BLUNT
ADVICE FOR DIVORCING PARENTS
The
following advice from retired Minnesota
Judge has been circulating for years
among judges, attorneys and child
advocates as powerful words of advice
for all parents going through a
divorce. We hope you'll take the
time to read them! Judge
Michael Haas retired in December 2002
after 26 years of service as a Judge in
Cass County, Minnesota. In a
letter written to advice columnist
Abigail Van Buren as early as October
1994 by attorney Paul J. Kiltinen of
Baxter, Minnesota, Mr. Kiltinen shared
the following remarks by Judge Hass in a
particularly difficult divorce case,
describing the Judge's remarks as
"some of the most profound words of
wisdom I've ever heard from the bench in
all my years as an attorney. His
philosophy could provide insight to all
parents, especially those who are
involved in difficult
dissolutions."
"Your
children have come into this world
because of the two of you. Perhaps you
two made lousy choices as to whom you
decided to be the other parent. If so,
that is YOUR problem and YOUR fault. "No
matter what you think of the other
party -- or what your family thinks of
the other party -- these children are
one-half of each of you. Remember
that, because every time you tell your
child what an 'idiot' his father is,
or what a 'fool' his mother is, or how
bad the absent parent is, or what
terrible things that person has done,
you are telling the child half of HIM
is bad. "That
is an unforgivable thing to do to a
child. That is not love! That is
possession. If you do that to your
children, you will destroy them as
surely as if you had cut them into
pieces, because that is what you are
doing to their emotions. "I
sincerely hope that you do not do that
to your children. Think more about
your children and less about
yourselves, and make yours a selfless
kind of love, not foolish or selfish,
or your children will suffer."
Judge
Haas' concise advice in less than 200
words is so well known and so widely
respected that it has been referenced in
multiple appellate court decisions,
including Burke v. Burke,
Tennessee Court of Appeals, No.
M2000-01111-COA-R3-CV, Aug. 7, 2001 and Krupp
v. Cunningham-Grogan, Tennessee
Court of Appeals, No.
M2005-01098-COA-R3-CV, August 29,
2006. It's
also been cited in Lawyers Weekly USA
No. 9921543 and in Don R. Ash's law
review article, Bridge Over Troubled
Water: Changing the Custody Law in
Tennessee, 27 U. Mem. L. Rev. 769,
771-72 (1997). This
message was "resurrected" in 2000
when it was republished as a letter
published by advice columnist Ann
Landers (the twin sister of "Dear
Abby"). More
than 15 years after the fact, Judge Haas'
moving words are sprinkled all over the
Internet, found on court websites, blogs,
attorney webpages, in court decisions
and in law journals. We
don't know if Judge Haas was speaking
extemporaneously on the record or if
these 197 words above were purely
"off the cuff".
Regardless, this message will always remain
profound and powerful advice when
parents are ready to engage in custody battles for
their children.
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